Germantown housewife begins first affair.

Mark Brimble March 21, 2017

Mrs Shepley before sneezing aggressively.

Belinda Shepley (44), a resident of Germantown, deviated from the chastity of monogamous married life on Wednesday for the first time. Mrs Shepley has been married to financial advisor Stephen Brown for 12 years and until recently had remained faithful, despite what has been described as a painfully comfortable marital relationship.

Mrs Shepleywas seen emerging from her Mercedes SUV in dark sunglasses outside of the whole foods with a younger man, later identified as her lawn tennis coach Jack Staves (29). Witnesses say that inappropriate remarks were made in the produce section, and stolen glances were seized at the deli counter.

The potential infidelity was corroborated by a close friend whom Mrs Shepley had confided. ‘I don’t know what took her so long, all of the ladies managed to find someone to commit worthwhile infidelity with after no more than 6 years. It took her double that!’ said Anne Bakeway (43) ‘I thought she might actually have a happy marriage! Anyway it’s good to be on our sinking ships together now’

Mrs Shepley when asked why she waited so long to stray from her husband responded ‘I was just waiting for the right person’

Belinda’s husband Stephen is said to be unaware of the affair, and sources say he is likely to sigh heavily if he learns the truth. Despite this, is unlikely in any case that uncovering the affair will end the marriage, as the Shepley family have two children that will require a stable funding source to ensure they drop out of an out-of-state college in their Junior year.

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

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Dome placed over midtown - residents now in literal bubble.

oamaudio March 17, 2017

Midtown residents celebrating in the dome whilst there is still ample breathable oxygen.

So many people were talking about the liberal bubble of midtown, that an ever listening Alexa accidentally ordered a giant literal bubble from an Amazon account. The 3 story tall dome was delivered and placed under the doormat of Sandra Potter, 24, who was pleasantly surprised with her new purchase.

The bubble stretches from 1 block south of Young Ave and goes as far north as Studio on the Square. Embracing their new dome life, resident Jamie McKenzie, 21, said " We’ve always wanted to be open and share ideas with people like ourselves - we want to fight for the rights of POC and make it known that oppression won’t be tolerated in here”. The populace of “Domeville” is an overwhelming 98% whites under the age of 25.

Contingency plans are underway for how the resident’s parents will get cash to them. In the meantime, everybody is taking turns tending the bar at the P+H and serving flat whites at Otherlands, whilst a rationing system has been put in place for the time sharing of the areas 3 Netflix accounts. A currently unused HBO account exists, but that information was dismissed because it was reported by a local Fox news affiliate.

Temperatures have been gradually rising inside the bubble, as a “greenhouse gas” effect has taken hold. Several residents have blamed the domes glass ceiling, and are determined to break through as soon as they can find the spare time.

Despite the uncomfortable heat, Domers were excited to show off to the uninformed public a perfect example of the greenhouse effect in action, but were unable to sway the opinions of residents outside of their bubble.

Alterations have been made inside of the dome. It has been configured for maximum acoustic reflection - the sound quality is said to be A+, which unfortunately won’t improve the noise coming from the areas B- musicians, or it’s C+ comedians.

John Simmons is a Memphis Comedian. He can be found sweating on instagram and occasionally posting videos.

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Bartlett to secede from United States. Union sighs in relief.

Brandon Perel Sams March 16, 2017

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

As of March 15th 2017 Bartlett TN has officially succeeded from the United States of America and formed the Independent State of Bartlandia. An official Declaration of Independence has yet to be released but the transition team laid out by Mayor McDonald says that outside of a few minor details, like funding for the new Bartlandia Space Program and where to dig the new moat, the process has gone smoothly yet remains largely unnoticed.

Reports that the transition team, made up of what remains of the Bartlett Municipal Code Enforcement Staff, is in turmoil were rebuffed. "I mean it's hard to start your own kingdom." said Betty Jennings former head of Code Enforcement turned Chief Justice and Head Tax Collector. "One day you're telling people to keep their lawns mowed to two inches and the next day you're telling them to turn in half their annual crops or face the gallows. It's been a long week but the people will get in line."

When asked if she felt she was qualified to fill the role of Chief Justice Mrs. Jennings replied "Well is the first grade class of Bartlett Elementary qualified to take over for the United States Postal Service? Probably not, but we all have to step up and do our part or face the gallows. We haven't even built the gallows yet!"

Tensions between the small Tennessee suburban town and Washington began when the United States Government refused to validate Bartlett's claim to be the "Tree Capital of America." Bartlett Mayor Keith McDonald was seen spending almost a full half an hour in our nation’s capital explaining his position and showing off the very nice diagrams that his niece has made when the man he was talking to simply said "no" while walking away. After the harsh refusal to award the title, talks quickly crumbled when the Mayor of Bartlett realized that he was not talking to Secretary of Interior Ryan Zink like the guard at the front desk had "told" him, but just some guy in a suit. Witnesses overheard the Former Master of Ceremonies of the Annual Christmas Parade and Chili Cook Off shout "This aggression will not stand!" as he stormed from the Capital Building. "All I wanted was like a plaque or a sign or something." the Mayor shouted over his shoulder.

Stephanie Ann Smalls, a Bartlett Kroger employee, was quoted as saying "Well we have a lot of trees. I don't see why they had to be dicks about it?" A report released from inside the former Bartlett City Hall now known as "The McDonald Manor" stated that Mayor turned King had not taken his heart medication for several days and seemed to be acting a bit "Off his rocker".

The New Kingdom of Bartlandia was named after a show the Former Mayor turned municipal King gave 5 stars on Netflix. It remains to be seen whether residents will approve the proposed 2 million dollar Fred Armisen statue.

‘Nashville Residents want Memphis to be capital of Tennessee’ says Memphis city poll

Wes Corwin March 15, 2017

The Memphis cityscape looks breathtaking at night because the darkness obscures the crime.

A surprising new straw poll conducted over the weekend suggests 7 out of 10 residents of Nashville would be open to changing the capital of Tennessee to the city of Memphis, according to 7 out of 10 Memphis residents.

The poll, conducted by surveying 500 Memphis residents about what Nashvillians think about their city’s status as the state’s capital, found that 70% of Nashville residents would be open to relocating the capital from Nashville to Memphis. 70% of Memphis residents found this to be the most accurate proportion.

“I mean, I don’t completely understand why the capital is Nashville in the first place,” says Nashville resident, Tony Nashville, a hypothetical man invented by surveyed Memphian Lawrence Davis. “Nashville is great and all, but I mean Memphis has so much going for it, y’know? It's green and beautiful and it's got such an active live music scene. I mean, it's where music history was made, whole museum there are dedicated to the most famous musicians the world over.”

“Could you say the same thing about Nashville?” said the Nashvillian figment of the Memphian’s imagination.

"I mean, I love living in Nashville, but Memphis has the zoo, a ton of museums, it's got amazing, delicious barbecue everywhere. Does Nashville have any of those things?" argued Nashville resident Nash Ville, a man who only exists in the dreamscape of Memphian Sheila Klein.

"Seriously, does Nashville have any of those things? I've never been there." Klein concluded, abandoning her impression of what she assumes a Nashville resident sounds like,

While 70% of Nashville residents either 'agree' (5%) or 'strongly agree' (65%) to moving the capital of Tennessee to Memphis, according to this poll of Memphians, 30% fall into the neutral camp.

30% of Memphians responded "Wait, isn't Memphis already the capital? Is this a trick question? We have a capital building, right? That movie theater?"

Nashville has yet to respond to this poll, but Nashville city officials, are already preparing legislation to enact real change in response to the findings of this poll, according to Memphis city officials.

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked. Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

University of Memphis fraternities ‘not causing enough outrage’ says Dean.

Mark Brimble March 14, 2017

A UofM fraternity house spelling out Greek letters phonetically with English letters.

A University of Memphis official has expressed his frustration that the on campus fraternities have not caused any significant incidents in the last several years. The Dean of University College John Pertwee spoke with city officials on Tuesday and made it clear that the Greek community at the school was falling well behind the national average in unethical hazing, arrests and newsworthy incidents.

In his speech Pertwee laid out the current problem as he sees them. ‘In the past 5 years there have been two chapters at UT Knoxville banned from campus. We would really like to have an excuse to suspend at least one of our fraternity chapters here at UofM, but the students here don’t seem interested in degrading themselves in the way we see at other Universities across the country.’

Tom Rollins, UofM Sigma Chi 1983-1987 lamented bout the issue ‘When I was a student, I remember all night ragers before exams. Now my son is telling me he only stays up late to play settlers of catan with the history majors. I’m starting to feel vindicated that I was absent for his birth’

Asked if something like the ‘buttchugging’ incident could ever happen in Memphis, Mr Pertwee took a more serious tone. ‘I would love to be able to condemn a reckless act of excess, to boost our national profile, but the number of craft breweries that have sprung up in the city has hindered this. Even when students are caught drinking illegally they can often be heard describing the hazelnut undertones of their favorite brown ale. It really demoralizes the arresting officers’

Pertwee clarified on the issue of arrests: ‘Let me be clear. We don’t want any of our students to commit a serious offense… but for goodness sake, someone needs to blackout and at least try and release the tiger we keep for the football games.’

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Bandaid in Bartlett pool allows overweight teen swimming in shirt a chance to jump off diving board unnoticed.

Hunter Sandlin March 13, 2017

A band-aid enthusiast uses a net system to extract the latest addition to his collection.

Local overweight Bartlett teen Kevin Pendale was able to seize a rare opportunity to climb out of his parents pool and jump off the diving board in broad daylight without being mocked after pointing out a dirty bandaid to his peers. .

"Normally I stay in the corner letting the jets massage my back hoping to blend in so as not to give Chase and Tristan a chance to slap me, dunk me or squeeze my breasts really hardin front of everyone, but then I saw a bandaid with a spot of dried blood floating in the water and I knew I had to make my move. As everyone was trying to splash the bandaid on each other I went for it, climbing up the ladder and pulling my suit up securely I sprinted for the diving board and jumped off, it was pretty neat"

"Ever since that day Chance ripped Kevin's shirt off at his birthday party, Kevin usually just squats in the corner and doesn't get out until everyone else has gone in to change, I think it was a good experience for Kev" says Kevin's neighbor Doyle Gooden (54), "I watch these kids swimthrough the fence for hours at a time and Kevin is usually very uncomfortable. Kevin will meander around outside of the pool for up to 15 minutes ignoring calls for him to take his shirt off. Usually Kevin willpretend to trip on a lawn chair and fall in with his shirt on. These kids never invite Kevin anywhere and show up to swim every afternoon at 2:45, but Kevin got the best of them. Way to go Kevin"

Kevin's father Gary Pendale later found the bandaid in the skimmer and said "it looks like the one from Kevin's fat ankle"

Hunter Sandlin is is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @ireviewvans

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Shoney's bans Lion's club from meeting in restaurants after Bizarre Ritual.

Hunter Sandlin March 12, 2017

The gas receipt discount offer was a signature promotional tool for the restaurant chain in 2006

Shoneys has banned the midsouth chapter of The Lion's club from meeting in its restaurants after a strange ‘meat swatting’ ceremony.

"It was ridiculous, people were rolling around on the floor wearing lion costumes, hissing, growlingand swatting at mountains of raw meat in the middle of the floor" according to Shoney's busboy and eyewitness Kip Stingers.
"They came in with 12 igloo coolers and didn't speak any human language the entire time they were in the building, they just hissed and motioned to pictures on the menu while maintaining aggressive and continuous eye contact. There was blood all over the floor and salad bar. They also didn't tip"

The Lions Club International is a community service organzation with over 1.4 million members worldwide.

When asked about the ritual, local Lion's club chapter president Larry Smith said "Our members do whatever is needed to help their local communities. Everywhere we work, we make friends. With children who need eyeglasses, with seniors who don’t have enough to eat and with people we may never meet. We do a lot of good in the community and once a year we like to let our hair down and have our vetting and election ritual. We take great pride in our ritual and are extremely disappointed in Shoney's"

The ritual serves as a competition to vet new members and choose new leadership. According to The Lion's Club charter manual "The member who swats meat the farthest and consumes it the fastest serves as the king, the member who collects the most bones is elected treasurer."

A number of the members were hospitalized due to complications related to Listeria. No word yet on which restaurant chain the Lion's Club plans to hold their next meeting.

Hunter Sandlin is is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @ireviewvans

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Memphians just now realizing that Kooky Canuck might be a racist caricature.

Sammy Anzer March 10, 2017

One of the images accused of 'maple leaf face'

The popular restaurant is home to “big fun,” “big burgers,” and lately, big outcry for its hallmark brand character the “Kooky Canadian.” Memphis residents have taken to social media in what some are calling “maple leaf face.”

The Kooky Canuck has a newer location in Cordova and a Downtown location that celebrated its 10th anniversary this month. According to friends, owner Shawn Dako “Couldn’t have been happier”. That might be set to change as the restaurant branding has recently become embroiled with controversy in an obvious misinterpretation of the current racial justice movements.

Cordova is to the east of Memphis, was founded as a farm town in 1853 and is known for freshly cut flowers, golfer John Daly, and only being able to understand prejudice when it targets white people.

John Filbur, a Cordova resident and real life cooky Canadian, resents the spelling of the local burger restaurant, “It’s just silly eh? Why not use the C, eh?”

Jennifer Tremblay, a Canadian leading the movement had this to say, “Oh we don’t mean to cause any problems for the restaurant. They can use whatever they like. Really. We’re sore-y.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with it” said Cleveland Indians fan Jim Sandlin.

“Me neither” said Washington Redskins fan, Bill Broker.

To join the debate use @kookycanuck #mapleleafface

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

City of Memphis Institutes $5 Cover To Stay Home.

Benny Elbows March 9, 2017

It is considered good luck to rub Lincoln's forehead when passing a $5 note to another person.

In a move that is already causing outrage among citizens, The City of Memphis, in conjunction with the Memphis Chamber, passed an ordinance today to tax residents if they do not “go out” a requisite amount in any given month. The announcement, issued earlier today, emphasized that the city ordinance, dubbed an “un-cover charge”, isn’t forcing people to have fun, try new things, and support local bands, it is merely suggesting it under the threat of a tax.

“Everyone should totally go out more and like, support local things, you know?” said East Memphis spokesperson, Timothy Johnston. “We have really cool stuff here, like bars and shows, and murals. We’re just trying to get people to go to them.” The 46 year old spokesperson then revealed, in the interest of fairness, that his blues band does have a gig coming up at Lafeyette’s.

The tax, which is $5 a month, hopes to nudge those who are on the fence about leaving the house and to forego other alternatives. “I’m always down to support local happenings, but when it comes down to it, I have a Netflix subscription. A one month subscription costs the same as parking at Overton Square.” says Carlie Tuller of Chickasaw Gardens. “It’s really hard to pass up a third binge of ‘Stranger Things’, but this tax will get me out at least a few more times a month. Maybe I’ll even go see my husband’s Big Star tribute band.”

Expert legal scholar, Bernard Georges, noted that the ordinance’s wording does have a few loopholes. For example, due to the tendency to work nights, restaurant employees are exempt from the tax, which includes approximately 87% of the city’s population. When asked whether or not the ordinance would be found constitutional if taken to the Supreme Court, Georges stated “I hope so, we could use a few more audience members at our shows.” Georges is in a completely different Big Star tribute band.

Grace Armstrong, a marketing expert here in Memphis, was optimistic the ordinance may have positive effects, unlike previous, similar efforts. “This isn’t like the ‘Mail-In South Main rebates’ of 2012 that required buying stamps, or the ‘Multi-leveling marketing fiasco of 1997’.” stated Armstrong, who is still confused as to how could people resist a consistent passive revenue stream from their friends and family selling Beale Street drink tickets. “In the mind of the citizens, going out now saves them money. Suddenly a $5 show is now basically free. And a free show? Its like getting paid to be entertained.” When asked how she personally felt about the ordinance, Armstrong replied that she would be upset over it, if she lived within the city limits.

Benny Elbows is a Stand-up Comedian and writer. He runs Blacksmith Comedy , is an improviser with The Wiseguys, and you can follow him on twitter and medium @bennyelbows.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Memphian having a good day decides to use turn signal on Union avenue.

Sammy Anzer March 8, 2017

MEMPHIS-Local resident Alan Dwyer was coming home from work on Union avenue when he decided to do something he’s never done before when changing lanes--use his turn signal.

“I don’t know what came over me,” John reports. “The girl in the elevator smiled at me for the first time today, I got eight hours last night and I found a $5 bill at the gas station, I guess I just figured, what the heck, try something new.”

Though greatly appreciated by the cars that followed John, they were not inspired by his selflessness. “You don’t need to use those things to know how to use a car” laughed lifetime Memphian Pam Carter (46).

“It’s nobody’s business where I’m going,” said Ambulance driver Tim Rhodes (38).

Expect delays from collisions along 240 west and Union Avenue.

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight