Planned Parenthood officials vote to defund Tennessee state legislature.

Sammy Anzer March 23, 2017

Planned Parenthood is politically divisive due to the brutalist 1960s architecture used for its buildings.

In what many are calling 'a surprising turn of events', Planned Parenthood officials have reached a unanimous decision to block funding to Tennessee legislature. This decision comes at the onset of the recent votes by Bob Corker (R-TN) to Repeal ACA and Medicaid on December 3rd, 2016 and Lamar Alexander (R-TN) voted to allow the arming of teachers in classrooms on February 13th, 2015 as part of bill HN.1.

Cecile Richards, president, and CEO of Planned Parenthood shared her comment, “It’s at the point where we just had enough of them. I was meeting with the voting review board, I saw how the Tennessee senators voted and realized--wait, why are we putting up with this?”

Investigations by the department of internal justice report that the salaries of all Tennessee State senators will be audited. All representatives are expected to lose a substantial amount of federal funding.

Alexander has begun a search to subsidize the expected reduction of his salary.

“It’s just not fair,” said Alexander. “I worked hard for those funds. A substantial portion of my salary goes to serve my district...sure I golf, but it’s dehumanizing to have to report every dollar. This type of legislation threatens American values.”

Corker’s annual salary is estimated to be $174,000 and his office left the following comment: “Without the full salary of a senator, how can I afford to take my daughter to the best Doctor? There is something gravely wrong with this decision.”

Despite the pushback, Planned Parenthood is expecting to stand by the decision.

‘I’m sure that the Tennessee legislature carries out some important functions. But they keep killing off bills before they come to vote. And whilst that continues to happen, we will do everything in our power to stop giving them money’ Richards told Bluff News.

An aide to the office of TN legislature that choose to remain anonymous said “We provide a lot of services for the middle aged, wealthy, white men of this community and will not let this loss of funding change our practices.’

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Follow the story with #Vote4PPTN

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs.

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The top 5 places to boo John Calipari this Friday.

Mark Brimble March 22, 2017

John Calipari referencing the song 'post to be' by Omarion.

The former University of Memphis Coach returns to bluff city this Friday for the South Regional Sweet 16 matchup between the Kentucky Wildcats and the UCLA Bruins. Coach Calipari knocked up 252 wins in his tenure with the tigers, and at one point was a beloved figure. Residents worshipped Coach Cal like a deity and some named pets and/or children after the man that led Memphis to the 2008 NCAA final.

Times change however, and now Calipari is a figure of revulsion in the city. Calipari’s Memphis team was investigated in 2009 following the discovery that Derrick Rose played whilst academically ineligible. It wasn’t that though. It was that he left. For Kentucky. Since then there has been no forgiveness: Even as recent as last year a dinner in his honor was cancelled after a backlash from tigers fans.

A bizarre interview with Bill O'Reilly didn’t help either.

So if you are a Bruin’s fan for the day, or want to vocalise your displeasure for one of history’s most infamous traitors, then our guide for the top places to boo John Calipari is for you!

#5 - Celtic Crossing

The Irish pub on Cooper Street is the perfect place if you want to be loud, raucous and foul mouthed about your distaste for Calipari. With a number of TV’s all throughout the establishment, you can perch yourself up at the bar and talk about ‘how that investigation wasn’t warranted.’ or head out to the patio and scream ‘All the other schools were doing it anyway.’ Despite usually being set up to show the superior sports of soccer and rugby, they are always willing to accommodate enthusiastic fans of any sport. Remember your UCLA gold and blue colors!

Top Tip: Rugby is #1 here, so tell the owner you think Tadgh Furlong earned his place in the Lion’s squad after this years 6 nations.

#4 - Hooters

Want to make the waitresses feel more uncomfortable than usual? Add to the effect of your lecherous glares by screaming at the big screen whenever Coach Cals face is shown. You may be able to see his face in such detail that the memories start flooding back. Hooters Memphis is in the heart of downtown and so when you are done with the game you can celebrate a win for your beloved Bruins on Beale street.

Top tip.. For better service , look at her sad sad eyes, not the eyes of the owl.

#3 - Newbys

What better place to get into the anti-calipari spirit than Newby’s. This hangout is right next to the University of Memphis, so if it’s authentic frothing anger you’re after then you can do so surrounded by college aged kids who probably don’t go to tigers games because they ‘never win anything’

Top tip: Say you are Derrick Rose to get cheaper drinks.

#2 - The FedEx Forum

If you’re feeling flush, why not buy tickets to the game. That way you can celebrate every Bruin’s bucket and shout obscenities during quieter moments in a way that might actually influence the outcome. John Calipari might think of Memphis as home court… but your guttural yelps can tell him otherwise.

Top Tip: Learn from the best and start an offensive chant

#1 - Cal’s Championship steakhouse.

Our top spot on this list goes to Cal’s championship steakhouse. Formerly situated on Sanderlin Avenue by the Malco Paradiso, the hearty meatery is a thing of the past. Driven out of business by a city blinded by rage, there is nothing left of the restaurant that bore the name of the biggest traitor since Judas himself left the Galilee trailblazers to begin coaching the Jerusalem stonethrowers. Treat this one like a drive-in and listen to the game on ESPN in the Paradiso parking lot.

Top Tip: Keep those windows up so moviegoers don’t have to listen to those tiger tears.

Really it's not important where you watch the game, what's important is your everlasting anger.

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

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Germantown housewife begins first affair.

Mark Brimble March 21, 2017

Mrs Shepley before sneezing aggressively.

Belinda Shepley (44), a resident of Germantown, deviated from the chastity of monogamous married life on Wednesday for the first time. Mrs Shepley has been married to financial advisor Stephen Brown for 12 years and until recently had remained faithful, despite what has been described as a painfully comfortable marital relationship.

Mrs Shepleywas seen emerging from her Mercedes SUV in dark sunglasses outside of the whole foods with a younger man, later identified as her lawn tennis coach Jack Staves (29). Witnesses say that inappropriate remarks were made in the produce section, and stolen glances were seized at the deli counter.

The potential infidelity was corroborated by a close friend whom Mrs Shepley had confided. ‘I don’t know what took her so long, all of the ladies managed to find someone to commit worthwhile infidelity with after no more than 6 years. It took her double that!’ said Anne Bakeway (43) ‘I thought she might actually have a happy marriage! Anyway it’s good to be on our sinking ships together now’

Mrs Shepley when asked why she waited so long to stray from her husband responded ‘I was just waiting for the right person’

Belinda’s husband Stephen is said to be unaware of the affair, and sources say he is likely to sigh heavily if he learns the truth. Despite this, is unlikely in any case that uncovering the affair will end the marriage, as the Shepley family have two children that will require a stable funding source to ensure they drop out of an out-of-state college in their Junior year.

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

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Tennessee state senate passes bill. Population pre-emptively sighs heavily.

Wes Corwin March 20, 2017

The Tennessee State Senate as it looks when bad decisions are not being made.

A joint resolution in the Tennessee General Assembly passed unanimously in the Senate on Monday. In response, before even knowing the contents of the bill, Tennessee inhabitants are pre-emptively sighing heavily.

As the Tennessee Senate prepares to announce the content of the latest resolution to pass without discussion, residents of Knoxville, Nashville, Memphis and Chattanooga alike were reportedly rubbing their temples and muttering ‘great… just great.’

“Our tax dollars at work!” University of Memphis student Rob Davenport typed into a Facebook status, preparing to share one of the many articles that would surely be written after the Tennessee senate’s latest Senate Joint Resolution would be released to the general public. After saving the post as a draft for later, he buried his head and his hands and remained in that position for several minutes.

“Really? This is what they’re prioritizing?” exhaled Knoxville small business owner Jeffrey Morris, staring at himself in the mirror. “This state has real problems and we keep passing legislation focusing on THIS?”

“This? THi-IS?” He said, practicing a number of different ways to pronounce the ultimate word in the sentence he knew he would have to say many, many times as the topic entered conversations he would have for weeks.

Political analysts are unsure of what issue the resolution could address but based on the most recent policies emphasized by the Senate, they predict the result will be a 7-15% increase in carbon dioxide emission in the state of Tennessee.

The source of the carbon dioxide will be approximately two million Tennesseans groaning all at once, followed by contemplative silence.

“I feel like some people are being too negative without even hearing the actual language in the document,” commented Jerry Fuller, Tennessee’s last registered Optomist.

“I mean, sure, if you look into the current composition of our state government, their stated goals, the last decade of policy they’ve tried to pass and the larger motivations of the Republican party on a national level, these would all be things to point to ‘concerns’.” Continued Fuller, punctuating the word concerns with finger quotes.

Concluded Fullter, “But, I mean, c’mon. How bad could it really be?”

After this interview, in appreciation for his positivity, the Tennessee senate gave Mr. Fuller a sneak peak at the joint resolution before its content is released to the general public.

Mr. Fuller declined to share with Bluff News what he had managed to glean from the document or what larger effect it might have on the state, but did stare silently out the nearest window, struggling to understand how something like this could ever happen.

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked. Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

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Dome placed over midtown - residents now in literal bubble.

oamaudio March 17, 2017

Midtown residents celebrating in the dome whilst there is still ample breathable oxygen.

So many people were talking about the liberal bubble of midtown, that an ever listening Alexa accidentally ordered a giant literal bubble from an Amazon account. The 3 story tall dome was delivered and placed under the doormat of Sandra Potter, 24, who was pleasantly surprised with her new purchase.

The bubble stretches from 1 block south of Young Ave and goes as far north as Studio on the Square. Embracing their new dome life, resident Jamie McKenzie, 21, said " We’ve always wanted to be open and share ideas with people like ourselves - we want to fight for the rights of POC and make it known that oppression won’t be tolerated in here”. The populace of “Domeville” is an overwhelming 98% whites under the age of 25.

Contingency plans are underway for how the resident’s parents will get cash to them. In the meantime, everybody is taking turns tending the bar at the P+H and serving flat whites at Otherlands, whilst a rationing system has been put in place for the time sharing of the areas 3 Netflix accounts. A currently unused HBO account exists, but that information was dismissed because it was reported by a local Fox news affiliate.

Temperatures have been gradually rising inside the bubble, as a “greenhouse gas” effect has taken hold. Several residents have blamed the domes glass ceiling, and are determined to break through as soon as they can find the spare time.

Despite the uncomfortable heat, Domers were excited to show off to the uninformed public a perfect example of the greenhouse effect in action, but were unable to sway the opinions of residents outside of their bubble.

Alterations have been made inside of the dome. It has been configured for maximum acoustic reflection - the sound quality is said to be A+, which unfortunately won’t improve the noise coming from the areas B- musicians, or it’s C+ comedians.

John Simmons is a Memphis Comedian. He can be found sweating on instagram and occasionally posting videos.

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Bartlett to secede from United States. Union sighs in relief.

Brandon Perel Sams March 16, 2017

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

As of March 15th 2017 Bartlett TN has officially succeeded from the United States of America and formed the Independent State of Bartlandia. An official Declaration of Independence has yet to be released but the transition team laid out by Mayor McDonald says that outside of a few minor details, like funding for the new Bartlandia Space Program and where to dig the new moat, the process has gone smoothly yet remains largely unnoticed.

Reports that the transition team, made up of what remains of the Bartlett Municipal Code Enforcement Staff, is in turmoil were rebuffed. "I mean it's hard to start your own kingdom." said Betty Jennings former head of Code Enforcement turned Chief Justice and Head Tax Collector. "One day you're telling people to keep their lawns mowed to two inches and the next day you're telling them to turn in half their annual crops or face the gallows. It's been a long week but the people will get in line."

When asked if she felt she was qualified to fill the role of Chief Justice Mrs. Jennings replied "Well is the first grade class of Bartlett Elementary qualified to take over for the United States Postal Service? Probably not, but we all have to step up and do our part or face the gallows. We haven't even built the gallows yet!"

Tensions between the small Tennessee suburban town and Washington began when the United States Government refused to validate Bartlett's claim to be the "Tree Capital of America." Bartlett Mayor Keith McDonald was seen spending almost a full half an hour in our nation’s capital explaining his position and showing off the very nice diagrams that his niece has made when the man he was talking to simply said "no" while walking away. After the harsh refusal to award the title, talks quickly crumbled when the Mayor of Bartlett realized that he was not talking to Secretary of Interior Ryan Zink like the guard at the front desk had "told" him, but just some guy in a suit. Witnesses overheard the Former Master of Ceremonies of the Annual Christmas Parade and Chili Cook Off shout "This aggression will not stand!" as he stormed from the Capital Building. "All I wanted was like a plaque or a sign or something." the Mayor shouted over his shoulder.

Stephanie Ann Smalls, a Bartlett Kroger employee, was quoted as saying "Well we have a lot of trees. I don't see why they had to be dicks about it?" A report released from inside the former Bartlett City Hall now known as "The McDonald Manor" stated that Mayor turned King had not taken his heart medication for several days and seemed to be acting a bit "Off his rocker".

The New Kingdom of Bartlandia was named after a show the Former Mayor turned municipal King gave 5 stars on Netflix. It remains to be seen whether residents will approve the proposed 2 million dollar Fred Armisen statue.

Shoney's bans Lion's club from meeting in restaurants after Bizarre Ritual.

Hunter Sandlin March 12, 2017

The gas receipt discount offer was a signature promotional tool for the restaurant chain in 2006

Shoneys has banned the midsouth chapter of The Lion's club from meeting in its restaurants after a strange ‘meat swatting’ ceremony.

"It was ridiculous, people were rolling around on the floor wearing lion costumes, hissing, growlingand swatting at mountains of raw meat in the middle of the floor" according to Shoney's busboy and eyewitness Kip Stingers.
"They came in with 12 igloo coolers and didn't speak any human language the entire time they were in the building, they just hissed and motioned to pictures on the menu while maintaining aggressive and continuous eye contact. There was blood all over the floor and salad bar. They also didn't tip"

The Lions Club International is a community service organzation with over 1.4 million members worldwide.

When asked about the ritual, local Lion's club chapter president Larry Smith said "Our members do whatever is needed to help their local communities. Everywhere we work, we make friends. With children who need eyeglasses, with seniors who don’t have enough to eat and with people we may never meet. We do a lot of good in the community and once a year we like to let our hair down and have our vetting and election ritual. We take great pride in our ritual and are extremely disappointed in Shoney's"

The ritual serves as a competition to vet new members and choose new leadership. According to The Lion's Club charter manual "The member who swats meat the farthest and consumes it the fastest serves as the king, the member who collects the most bones is elected treasurer."

A number of the members were hospitalized due to complications related to Listeria. No word yet on which restaurant chain the Lion's Club plans to hold their next meeting.

Hunter Sandlin is is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @ireviewvans

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Memphians just now realizing that Kooky Canuck might be a racist caricature.

Sammy Anzer March 10, 2017

One of the images accused of 'maple leaf face'

The popular restaurant is home to “big fun,” “big burgers,” and lately, big outcry for its hallmark brand character the “Kooky Canadian.” Memphis residents have taken to social media in what some are calling “maple leaf face.”

The Kooky Canuck has a newer location in Cordova and a Downtown location that celebrated its 10th anniversary this month. According to friends, owner Shawn Dako “Couldn’t have been happier”. That might be set to change as the restaurant branding has recently become embroiled with controversy in an obvious misinterpretation of the current racial justice movements.

Cordova is to the east of Memphis, was founded as a farm town in 1853 and is known for freshly cut flowers, golfer John Daly, and only being able to understand prejudice when it targets white people.

John Filbur, a Cordova resident and real life cooky Canadian, resents the spelling of the local burger restaurant, “It’s just silly eh? Why not use the C, eh?”

Jennifer Tremblay, a Canadian leading the movement had this to say, “Oh we don’t mean to cause any problems for the restaurant. They can use whatever they like. Really. We’re sore-y.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with it” said Cleveland Indians fan Jim Sandlin.

“Me neither” said Washington Redskins fan, Bill Broker.

To join the debate use @kookycanuck #mapleleafface

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

City of Memphis Institutes $5 Cover To Stay Home.

Benny Elbows March 9, 2017

It is considered good luck to rub Lincoln's forehead when passing a $5 note to another person.

In a move that is already causing outrage among citizens, The City of Memphis, in conjunction with the Memphis Chamber, passed an ordinance today to tax residents if they do not “go out” a requisite amount in any given month. The announcement, issued earlier today, emphasized that the city ordinance, dubbed an “un-cover charge”, isn’t forcing people to have fun, try new things, and support local bands, it is merely suggesting it under the threat of a tax.

“Everyone should totally go out more and like, support local things, you know?” said East Memphis spokesperson, Timothy Johnston. “We have really cool stuff here, like bars and shows, and murals. We’re just trying to get people to go to them.” The 46 year old spokesperson then revealed, in the interest of fairness, that his blues band does have a gig coming up at Lafeyette’s.

The tax, which is $5 a month, hopes to nudge those who are on the fence about leaving the house and to forego other alternatives. “I’m always down to support local happenings, but when it comes down to it, I have a Netflix subscription. A one month subscription costs the same as parking at Overton Square.” says Carlie Tuller of Chickasaw Gardens. “It’s really hard to pass up a third binge of ‘Stranger Things’, but this tax will get me out at least a few more times a month. Maybe I’ll even go see my husband’s Big Star tribute band.”

Expert legal scholar, Bernard Georges, noted that the ordinance’s wording does have a few loopholes. For example, due to the tendency to work nights, restaurant employees are exempt from the tax, which includes approximately 87% of the city’s population. When asked whether or not the ordinance would be found constitutional if taken to the Supreme Court, Georges stated “I hope so, we could use a few more audience members at our shows.” Georges is in a completely different Big Star tribute band.

Grace Armstrong, a marketing expert here in Memphis, was optimistic the ordinance may have positive effects, unlike previous, similar efforts. “This isn’t like the ‘Mail-In South Main rebates’ of 2012 that required buying stamps, or the ‘Multi-leveling marketing fiasco of 1997’.” stated Armstrong, who is still confused as to how could people resist a consistent passive revenue stream from their friends and family selling Beale Street drink tickets. “In the mind of the citizens, going out now saves them money. Suddenly a $5 show is now basically free. And a free show? Its like getting paid to be entertained.” When asked how she personally felt about the ordinance, Armstrong replied that she would be upset over it, if she lived within the city limits.

Benny Elbows is a Stand-up Comedian and writer. He runs Blacksmith Comedy , is an improviser with The Wiseguys, and you can follow him on twitter and medium @bennyelbows.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Dave Brown to Return, Fulfill Prophecy.

Benny Elbows March 6, 2017

Dave Brown carefully caressing Tennessee back to clear skies in the late 80s

“He was just there, sitting on a stone throne, wearing a crown. He had this really long grey beard and a sword” explained long-time Memphian Allen Edgarsinsky (58), in the parking lot of the Cash Saver at the corner of Madison and Avalon. “I believe it was a long sword, maybe a claymore.”

“I asked him where the Gotta Get Up To Get Down was and he told me ‘my time had not yet come yet’ and said something about birds circling the Bass Pro Pyramid. It was strange, but not that strange for Midtown now that I think about it.” Edgarsinsky eventually found the coffee stout he was looking for.

Mary Longbooths also reported the sighting Wednesday night. “I thought some of those darn comedians from down the street were doing one of their skits. I had no idea it was really him. I would have asked for his autograph.”

Edgarsinsky and Longbooths are of course talking about WMC-TV Chief Meteorologist Emeritus Dave Brown, who retired from active manning of the weather in 2015 after a 53 year career in broadcasting, including time as the greatest wrestling commentator ever. But even approaching the stately age of 70, it did not take long for the hope of a return to take hold of the thousands of diehard fans Brown had earned over the years.

Craig Dyson of Bartlett is one such fan. “I remember watching him every day with my dad. It was hard to see him go, but I remember my dad telling me that someday, like if there is a particularly bad cold front coming through and we’re going to have another Ice Storm like in ‘94, he’d come back.”

Dyson’s story alludes to Jeff Monmouth’s “Historia Meteorum Memphis” in which it is said that in Memphis weather’s darkest hour, Dave Brown would return from his place of resting with his Weathermen of the Round Table to save the city from dire Five Day Forecasts. “There have been dozens of versions of the story since Monmouth’s work.” says Phillip Hess, Professor of Meteorological Mythology at the University of Memphis. “Some accounts say that it’ll be a tornado that will bring him back. Some say that it’ll be an Earthquake, which isn’t even a meteorological occurrence. I’ve even heard some say that it’ll be the end of the world that will cause his return, or something worse, like 3 inches of snow.”

“The legend is important.” noted Hess. “He’s a symbol of hope, and it’s a comfort to Memphians in their daily life that there is someone looking out for them.” When asked whether or not he thought this was a sign that the legend would soon be fulfilled, Hess responded with “Hell yeah! He’s the once and future meteorologist. He’s coming back, and he’s bringing Lance Russell too!”

Lance Russell, according to reports, is either spending his retirement making appearances at wrestling events, or has been trapped in a cave by dark magic.

Benny Elbows is a Stand-up Comedian. He runs Blacksmith Comedy , is an improviser with The Wiseguys, and you can follow him on twitter and medium @bennyelbows.

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight