Christian bookstore owners assert dominance over Gibson’s donuts with third storefront crash.

Mark Brimble March 24, 2017

The scene after one resident couldn't wait to get his hands on the new King James translations.

BARTLETT, TN – A car crashed into a Bartlett Christian bookstore Monday evening making this the third crash this store has experienced in 6 years. There were 6 people in the store at the time; two employees and a grandmother, mother, and two kids. Luckily no one was harmed during the incident.

Witnesses reported seeing two cars speeding in the lot to claim a spot close to the nearby dollar store despite the rest of the lot being "pretty empty". The driver declined to comment when asked for a statement.

‘We heard that a car crashed through the front of Gibson’s donuts last week and thought… this is one record we don’t want to lose. So we instantly got to work sending off some prayers to the almighty and it looks like once again they’ve been answered.’

“The first time this happened to us we were shocked, the second time seemed like a coincident, but a third time…that’s clearly a sign from God,” said Martha Taylor (66), who co-owns the store with her husband. “The store hasn’t been doing that well over the last year. My husband and I have been considering closing our doors for good; but, today’s miracle is just the sign we’ve been waiting for. Clearly God wants us to expand.” The car took out part of the wall that connects the Christian bookstore to a storefront next door that’s been empty for the last year.

“I’ve always wanted to expand our ‘Precious Moments’ offering in the store and this expansion will give me the space I need to do it,” exclaimed Martha.

The bookstore will be closed for a few weeks for renovations. The first five customers at their re-opening will receive a footprints wall plaque.

Asked whether she thought yet another storefront crash was likely to happen again Taylor said ‘Well clearly the two things God loves in this city are Christian bookstores and to a lesser extent Gibson’s donuts... but we will direct our prayers now to other businesses we feel should have a car crash through the front window’

Erin Lewis works in I.T. and is going to hell.

Planned Parenthood officials vote to defund Tennessee state legislature.

Sammy Anzer March 23, 2017

Planned Parenthood is politically divisive due to the brutalist 1960s architecture used for its buildings.

In what many are calling 'a surprising turn of events', Planned Parenthood officials have reached a unanimous decision to block funding to Tennessee legislature. This decision comes at the onset of the recent votes by Bob Corker (R-TN) to Repeal ACA and Medicaid on December 3rd, 2016 and Lamar Alexander (R-TN) voted to allow the arming of teachers in classrooms on February 13th, 2015 as part of bill HN.1.

Cecile Richards, president, and CEO of Planned Parenthood shared her comment, “It’s at the point where we just had enough of them. I was meeting with the voting review board, I saw how the Tennessee senators voted and realized--wait, why are we putting up with this?”

Investigations by the department of internal justice report that the salaries of all Tennessee State senators will be audited. All representatives are expected to lose a substantial amount of federal funding.

Alexander has begun a search to subsidize the expected reduction of his salary.

“It’s just not fair,” said Alexander. “I worked hard for those funds. A substantial portion of my salary goes to serve my district...sure I golf, but it’s dehumanizing to have to report every dollar. This type of legislation threatens American values.”

Corker’s annual salary is estimated to be $174,000 and his office left the following comment: “Without the full salary of a senator, how can I afford to take my daughter to the best Doctor? There is something gravely wrong with this decision.”

Despite the pushback, Planned Parenthood is expecting to stand by the decision.

‘I’m sure that the Tennessee legislature carries out some important functions. But they keep killing off bills before they come to vote. And whilst that continues to happen, we will do everything in our power to stop giving them money’ Richards told Bluff News.

An aide to the office of TN legislature that choose to remain anonymous said “We provide a lot of services for the middle aged, wealthy, white men of this community and will not let this loss of funding change our practices.’

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Follow the story with #Vote4PPTN

Sammy Anzer is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @senor_Suavs.

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The top 5 places to boo John Calipari this Friday.

Mark Brimble March 22, 2017

John Calipari referencing the song 'post to be' by Omarion.

The former University of Memphis Coach returns to bluff city this Friday for the South Regional Sweet 16 matchup between the Kentucky Wildcats and the UCLA Bruins. Coach Calipari knocked up 252 wins in his tenure with the tigers, and at one point was a beloved figure. Residents worshipped Coach Cal like a deity and some named pets and/or children after the man that led Memphis to the 2008 NCAA final.

Times change however, and now Calipari is a figure of revulsion in the city. Calipari’s Memphis team was investigated in 2009 following the discovery that Derrick Rose played whilst academically ineligible. It wasn’t that though. It was that he left. For Kentucky. Since then there has been no forgiveness: Even as recent as last year a dinner in his honor was cancelled after a backlash from tigers fans.

A bizarre interview with Bill O'Reilly didn’t help either.

So if you are a Bruin’s fan for the day, or want to vocalise your displeasure for one of history’s most infamous traitors, then our guide for the top places to boo John Calipari is for you!

#5 - Celtic Crossing

The Irish pub on Cooper Street is the perfect place if you want to be loud, raucous and foul mouthed about your distaste for Calipari. With a number of TV’s all throughout the establishment, you can perch yourself up at the bar and talk about ‘how that investigation wasn’t warranted.’ or head out to the patio and scream ‘All the other schools were doing it anyway.’ Despite usually being set up to show the superior sports of soccer and rugby, they are always willing to accommodate enthusiastic fans of any sport. Remember your UCLA gold and blue colors!

Top Tip: Rugby is #1 here, so tell the owner you think Tadgh Furlong earned his place in the Lion’s squad after this years 6 nations.

#4 - Hooters

Want to make the waitresses feel more uncomfortable than usual? Add to the effect of your lecherous glares by screaming at the big screen whenever Coach Cals face is shown. You may be able to see his face in such detail that the memories start flooding back. Hooters Memphis is in the heart of downtown and so when you are done with the game you can celebrate a win for your beloved Bruins on Beale street.

Top tip.. For better service , look at her sad sad eyes, not the eyes of the owl.

#3 - Newbys

What better place to get into the anti-calipari spirit than Newby’s. This hangout is right next to the University of Memphis, so if it’s authentic frothing anger you’re after then you can do so surrounded by college aged kids who probably don’t go to tigers games because they ‘never win anything’

Top tip: Say you are Derrick Rose to get cheaper drinks.

#2 - The FedEx Forum

If you’re feeling flush, why not buy tickets to the game. That way you can celebrate every Bruin’s bucket and shout obscenities during quieter moments in a way that might actually influence the outcome. John Calipari might think of Memphis as home court… but your guttural yelps can tell him otherwise.

Top Tip: Learn from the best and start an offensive chant

#1 - Cal’s Championship steakhouse.

Our top spot on this list goes to Cal’s championship steakhouse. Formerly situated on Sanderlin Avenue by the Malco Paradiso, the hearty meatery is a thing of the past. Driven out of business by a city blinded by rage, there is nothing left of the restaurant that bore the name of the biggest traitor since Judas himself left the Galilee trailblazers to begin coaching the Jerusalem stonethrowers. Treat this one like a drive-in and listen to the game on ESPN in the Paradiso parking lot.

Top Tip: Keep those windows up so moviegoers don’t have to listen to those tiger tears.

Really it's not important where you watch the game, what's important is your everlasting anger.

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

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Germantown housewife begins first affair.

Mark Brimble March 21, 2017

Mrs Shepley before sneezing aggressively.

Belinda Shepley (44), a resident of Germantown, deviated from the chastity of monogamous married life on Wednesday for the first time. Mrs Shepley has been married to financial advisor Stephen Brown for 12 years and until recently had remained faithful, despite what has been described as a painfully comfortable marital relationship.

Mrs Shepleywas seen emerging from her Mercedes SUV in dark sunglasses outside of the whole foods with a younger man, later identified as her lawn tennis coach Jack Staves (29). Witnesses say that inappropriate remarks were made in the produce section, and stolen glances were seized at the deli counter.

The potential infidelity was corroborated by a close friend whom Mrs Shepley had confided. ‘I don’t know what took her so long, all of the ladies managed to find someone to commit worthwhile infidelity with after no more than 6 years. It took her double that!’ said Anne Bakeway (43) ‘I thought she might actually have a happy marriage! Anyway it’s good to be on our sinking ships together now’

Mrs Shepley when asked why she waited so long to stray from her husband responded ‘I was just waiting for the right person’

Belinda’s husband Stephen is said to be unaware of the affair, and sources say he is likely to sigh heavily if he learns the truth. Despite this, is unlikely in any case that uncovering the affair will end the marriage, as the Shepley family have two children that will require a stable funding source to ensure they drop out of an out-of-state college in their Junior year.

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

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Tennessee state senate passes bill. Population pre-emptively sighs heavily.

Wes Corwin March 20, 2017

The Tennessee State Senate as it looks when bad decisions are not being made.

A joint resolution in the Tennessee General Assembly passed unanimously in the Senate on Monday. In response, before even knowing the contents of the bill, Tennessee inhabitants are pre-emptively sighing heavily.

As the Tennessee Senate prepares to announce the content of the latest resolution to pass without discussion, residents of Knoxville, Nashville, Memphis and Chattanooga alike were reportedly rubbing their temples and muttering ‘great… just great.’

“Our tax dollars at work!” University of Memphis student Rob Davenport typed into a Facebook status, preparing to share one of the many articles that would surely be written after the Tennessee senate’s latest Senate Joint Resolution would be released to the general public. After saving the post as a draft for later, he buried his head and his hands and remained in that position for several minutes.

“Really? This is what they’re prioritizing?” exhaled Knoxville small business owner Jeffrey Morris, staring at himself in the mirror. “This state has real problems and we keep passing legislation focusing on THIS?”

“This? THi-IS?” He said, practicing a number of different ways to pronounce the ultimate word in the sentence he knew he would have to say many, many times as the topic entered conversations he would have for weeks.

Political analysts are unsure of what issue the resolution could address but based on the most recent policies emphasized by the Senate, they predict the result will be a 7-15% increase in carbon dioxide emission in the state of Tennessee.

The source of the carbon dioxide will be approximately two million Tennesseans groaning all at once, followed by contemplative silence.

“I feel like some people are being too negative without even hearing the actual language in the document,” commented Jerry Fuller, Tennessee’s last registered Optomist.

“I mean, sure, if you look into the current composition of our state government, their stated goals, the last decade of policy they’ve tried to pass and the larger motivations of the Republican party on a national level, these would all be things to point to ‘concerns’.” Continued Fuller, punctuating the word concerns with finger quotes.

Concluded Fullter, “But, I mean, c’mon. How bad could it really be?”

After this interview, in appreciation for his positivity, the Tennessee senate gave Mr. Fuller a sneak peak at the joint resolution before its content is released to the general public.

Mr. Fuller declined to share with Bluff News what he had managed to glean from the document or what larger effect it might have on the state, but did stare silently out the nearest window, struggling to understand how something like this could ever happen.

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked. Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

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Dome placed over midtown - residents now in literal bubble.

oamaudio March 17, 2017

Midtown residents celebrating in the dome whilst there is still ample breathable oxygen.

So many people were talking about the liberal bubble of midtown, that an ever listening Alexa accidentally ordered a giant literal bubble from an Amazon account. The 3 story tall dome was delivered and placed under the doormat of Sandra Potter, 24, who was pleasantly surprised with her new purchase.

The bubble stretches from 1 block south of Young Ave and goes as far north as Studio on the Square. Embracing their new dome life, resident Jamie McKenzie, 21, said " We’ve always wanted to be open and share ideas with people like ourselves - we want to fight for the rights of POC and make it known that oppression won’t be tolerated in here”. The populace of “Domeville” is an overwhelming 98% whites under the age of 25.

Contingency plans are underway for how the resident’s parents will get cash to them. In the meantime, everybody is taking turns tending the bar at the P+H and serving flat whites at Otherlands, whilst a rationing system has been put in place for the time sharing of the areas 3 Netflix accounts. A currently unused HBO account exists, but that information was dismissed because it was reported by a local Fox news affiliate.

Temperatures have been gradually rising inside the bubble, as a “greenhouse gas” effect has taken hold. Several residents have blamed the domes glass ceiling, and are determined to break through as soon as they can find the spare time.

Despite the uncomfortable heat, Domers were excited to show off to the uninformed public a perfect example of the greenhouse effect in action, but were unable to sway the opinions of residents outside of their bubble.

Alterations have been made inside of the dome. It has been configured for maximum acoustic reflection - the sound quality is said to be A+, which unfortunately won’t improve the noise coming from the areas B- musicians, or it’s C+ comedians.

John Simmons is a Memphis Comedian. He can be found sweating on instagram and occasionally posting videos.

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Bartlett to secede from United States. Union sighs in relief.

Brandon Perel Sams March 16, 2017

Somehow Bartlett is considered an arboreal paradise.

As of March 15th 2017 Bartlett TN has officially succeeded from the United States of America and formed the Independent State of Bartlandia. An official Declaration of Independence has yet to be released but the transition team laid out by Mayor McDonald says that outside of a few minor details, like funding for the new Bartlandia Space Program and where to dig the new moat, the process has gone smoothly yet remains largely unnoticed.

Reports that the transition team, made up of what remains of the Bartlett Municipal Code Enforcement Staff, is in turmoil were rebuffed. "I mean it's hard to start your own kingdom." said Betty Jennings former head of Code Enforcement turned Chief Justice and Head Tax Collector. "One day you're telling people to keep their lawns mowed to two inches and the next day you're telling them to turn in half their annual crops or face the gallows. It's been a long week but the people will get in line."

When asked if she felt she was qualified to fill the role of Chief Justice Mrs. Jennings replied "Well is the first grade class of Bartlett Elementary qualified to take over for the United States Postal Service? Probably not, but we all have to step up and do our part or face the gallows. We haven't even built the gallows yet!"

Tensions between the small Tennessee suburban town and Washington began when the United States Government refused to validate Bartlett's claim to be the "Tree Capital of America." Bartlett Mayor Keith McDonald was seen spending almost a full half an hour in our nation’s capital explaining his position and showing off the very nice diagrams that his niece has made when the man he was talking to simply said "no" while walking away. After the harsh refusal to award the title, talks quickly crumbled when the Mayor of Bartlett realized that he was not talking to Secretary of Interior Ryan Zink like the guard at the front desk had "told" him, but just some guy in a suit. Witnesses overheard the Former Master of Ceremonies of the Annual Christmas Parade and Chili Cook Off shout "This aggression will not stand!" as he stormed from the Capital Building. "All I wanted was like a plaque or a sign or something." the Mayor shouted over his shoulder.

Stephanie Ann Smalls, a Bartlett Kroger employee, was quoted as saying "Well we have a lot of trees. I don't see why they had to be dicks about it?" A report released from inside the former Bartlett City Hall now known as "The McDonald Manor" stated that Mayor turned King had not taken his heart medication for several days and seemed to be acting a bit "Off his rocker".

The New Kingdom of Bartlandia was named after a show the Former Mayor turned municipal King gave 5 stars on Netflix. It remains to be seen whether residents will approve the proposed 2 million dollar Fred Armisen statue.

‘Nashville Residents want Memphis to be capital of Tennessee’ says Memphis city poll

Wes Corwin March 15, 2017

The Memphis cityscape looks breathtaking at night because the darkness obscures the crime.

A surprising new straw poll conducted over the weekend suggests 7 out of 10 residents of Nashville would be open to changing the capital of Tennessee to the city of Memphis, according to 7 out of 10 Memphis residents.

The poll, conducted by surveying 500 Memphis residents about what Nashvillians think about their city’s status as the state’s capital, found that 70% of Nashville residents would be open to relocating the capital from Nashville to Memphis. 70% of Memphis residents found this to be the most accurate proportion.

“I mean, I don’t completely understand why the capital is Nashville in the first place,” says Nashville resident, Tony Nashville, a hypothetical man invented by surveyed Memphian Lawrence Davis. “Nashville is great and all, but I mean Memphis has so much going for it, y’know? It's green and beautiful and it's got such an active live music scene. I mean, it's where music history was made, whole museum there are dedicated to the most famous musicians the world over.”

“Could you say the same thing about Nashville?” said the Nashvillian figment of the Memphian’s imagination.

"I mean, I love living in Nashville, but Memphis has the zoo, a ton of museums, it's got amazing, delicious barbecue everywhere. Does Nashville have any of those things?" argued Nashville resident Nash Ville, a man who only exists in the dreamscape of Memphian Sheila Klein.

"Seriously, does Nashville have any of those things? I've never been there." Klein concluded, abandoning her impression of what she assumes a Nashville resident sounds like,

While 70% of Nashville residents either 'agree' (5%) or 'strongly agree' (65%) to moving the capital of Tennessee to Memphis, according to this poll of Memphians, 30% fall into the neutral camp.

30% of Memphians responded "Wait, isn't Memphis already the capital? Is this a trick question? We have a capital building, right? That movie theater?"

Nashville has yet to respond to this poll, but Nashville city officials, are already preparing legislation to enact real change in response to the findings of this poll, according to Memphis city officials.

Wes Corwin is a Dallas Comic and occasional contributor to cracked. Follow him on twitter @WestCornfield

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

University of Memphis fraternities ‘not causing enough outrage’ says Dean.

Mark Brimble March 14, 2017

A UofM fraternity house spelling out Greek letters phonetically with English letters.

A University of Memphis official has expressed his frustration that the on campus fraternities have not caused any significant incidents in the last several years. The Dean of University College John Pertwee spoke with city officials on Tuesday and made it clear that the Greek community at the school was falling well behind the national average in unethical hazing, arrests and newsworthy incidents.

In his speech Pertwee laid out the current problem as he sees them. ‘In the past 5 years there have been two chapters at UT Knoxville banned from campus. We would really like to have an excuse to suspend at least one of our fraternity chapters here at UofM, but the students here don’t seem interested in degrading themselves in the way we see at other Universities across the country.’

Tom Rollins, UofM Sigma Chi 1983-1987 lamented bout the issue ‘When I was a student, I remember all night ragers before exams. Now my son is telling me he only stays up late to play settlers of catan with the history majors. I’m starting to feel vindicated that I was absent for his birth’

Asked if something like the ‘buttchugging’ incident could ever happen in Memphis, Mr Pertwee took a more serious tone. ‘I would love to be able to condemn a reckless act of excess, to boost our national profile, but the number of craft breweries that have sprung up in the city has hindered this. Even when students are caught drinking illegally they can often be heard describing the hazelnut undertones of their favorite brown ale. It really demoralizes the arresting officers’

Pertwee clarified on the issue of arrests: ‘Let me be clear. We don’t want any of our students to commit a serious offense… but for goodness sake, someone needs to blackout and at least try and release the tiger we keep for the football games.’

Mark Brimble is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @brimmmers

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight

Bandaid in Bartlett pool allows overweight teen swimming in shirt a chance to jump off diving board unnoticed.

Hunter Sandlin March 13, 2017

A band-aid enthusiast uses a net system to extract the latest addition to his collection.

Local overweight Bartlett teen Kevin Pendale was able to seize a rare opportunity to climb out of his parents pool and jump off the diving board in broad daylight without being mocked after pointing out a dirty bandaid to his peers. .

"Normally I stay in the corner letting the jets massage my back hoping to blend in so as not to give Chase and Tristan a chance to slap me, dunk me or squeeze my breasts really hardin front of everyone, but then I saw a bandaid with a spot of dried blood floating in the water and I knew I had to make my move. As everyone was trying to splash the bandaid on each other I went for it, climbing up the ladder and pulling my suit up securely I sprinted for the diving board and jumped off, it was pretty neat"

"Ever since that day Chance ripped Kevin's shirt off at his birthday party, Kevin usually just squats in the corner and doesn't get out until everyone else has gone in to change, I think it was a good experience for Kev" says Kevin's neighbor Doyle Gooden (54), "I watch these kids swimthrough the fence for hours at a time and Kevin is usually very uncomfortable. Kevin will meander around outside of the pool for up to 15 minutes ignoring calls for him to take his shirt off. Usually Kevin willpretend to trip on a lawn chair and fall in with his shirt on. These kids never invite Kevin anywhere and show up to swim every afternoon at 2:45, but Kevin got the best of them. Way to go Kevin"

Kevin's father Gary Pendale later found the bandaid in the skimmer and said "it looks like the one from Kevin's fat ankle"

Hunter Sandlin is is a Memphis Comic and performing member of Comma Comedians. Follow him on twitter @ireviewvans

Bluff news articles are produced by Memphis Today Tonight